Friday, November 2, 2012

Who I Am

It is time for me to be honest, I have not been inspired to write in a long time.  My home life has been turned upside down and I have not been mood to write and pretend all is well.  I am not that kind of girl.  I am real, I am not the kind of girl to tell you I am "fine" when all is really far, far, away from being fine.  I am not going to go into details as to what my life looks would be boring and probably really sad for many of you to read.  I will tell you that even in the midst of all of my chaos, my God is bigger and more amazing that I ever realized.  Sure, there are days when I really want to doubt that he cares, that I would rather stay in bed than get up and continue in my "new" life.  I will tell you that I am working part-time at Chic-Fil-A and, honestly it has been an adjustment, in my own version of my life plan I never had any desire or need to go back to work.  In God's plan for my life, apparently he wanted me to go that route.
We are still homeschooling, it looks nothing like the traditional homeschool schedule, we do school in the evenings, some days it is a struggle, some days it runs great (ok, that part never changed).  In so many ways I do not feel that I fit into the typical homeschool circles anymore.  That has been a hard pill to swallow.  I am having to redefine who I am and what that means.  (The song "Who I Am To You" means more and more to me each day).
I took yesterday and today off from work so that we could participate in a field trip and it has been awesome to pretend I still lived in the SAHM world.  But, I know that on Monday I have to go back to the working world.  I am concentrating on enjoying every minute I have with the girls these few days.
On facebook I am participating in the what are you thankful for status updates for the month.  At first I had no desire to do that because honestly there are some days it is hard for me to focus on those.  I didn't want to even challenge myself to do it but, in the end it will probably help me more to "force" myself to focus on it even when I would rather not.  Don't get me wrong, I have lots to be thankful for, and I truly am thankful.  But I also feel very judged and would rather not subject myself to that.  It all comes down to who am I doing this challenge for?  And, that answer is myself.  I am challenging myself to look for things that I am thankful for for a whole month.  Focusing on the positive amidst the negative will surely help me grow even more.
If you are still reading this post, thanks for sticking it out.  I am sorry it isn't more pleasant or actually, no I am not sorry because I know that God is using even my unpleasantness to turn me, and my family into whatever awesomeness he has in store for us.  In the end, His plan is all that matters to me!


Alisha Huber said...

I just wanted to say that, even though I have barely seen you in just about forever, I do think of you often and hope you're doing well. Please let me know if you want to get together and catch up sometime. My schedule is really open these days. ::hugs::

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